Best Podcast Episodes About Ready or Not 2: Here I Come
Everything podcasters are saying about Ready or Not 2: Here I Come — curated from top podcasts
Updated: Apr 27, 2026 – 68 episodes
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Ridealong has curated the best and most interesting podcasts and clips about Ready or Not 2: Here I Come.
Top Podcast Clips About Ready or Not 2: Here I Come
“… It is double-sided. Like if Dr. Seuss was a doctor at Ty Marion's hospital. Who knows what's going to happen? Does he lose his virginity? Here we go. Oh. Here we go. It's the juiced up part of the poem. Vagina, pussy, beaver, and ham. Ham? Yeah, sure. Ham? I had to rhyme it. All right, hey, work with me, work with me. All right. I love to suck ham. Hey, don't make me start this over. All right, I'm about to. All right, all right. Beaver and ham. Vajayjay, clitoris, coochie, and clam. There it is. I got a job, and the first week went great. I laid low. They trusted me. They took the …”
“I would never tell a soul my plans If no one at school was going to fuck me I should get a job Maybe one of them will suck me How long is this fucking poem All right, all right, all right. Double-sided. Double-sided. It is double-sided. It is double-sided. Like if Dr. Seuss was a doctor at Ty Marion's hospital. Who knows what's going to happen? Does he lose his virginity? Here we go. Oh. Here we go. It's the juiced up part of the poem. Vagina, pussy, beaver, and ham. Ham? Yeah, sure. Ham? I had to rhyme it. All right, hey, work with me, work with me. All right. I love to suck ham. Hey, don't make me start this over. All right, I'm about to. All right, all right. Beaver and ham. Vajayjay, clitoris, coochie, and clam. There it is. I got a job, and the first week went great. I laid low. They trusted me. They took the bait. They asked me, hey, would you be able to work late? I knew having sex was in my fate. I need you to stay late to feed the animals at night. Of course, I said, it would be a delight. Yes, it's true. The job I got is at a zoo. Once everyone... Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I gotta get you out of here. Is it like getting anywhere? It's going …”
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This segment features a wildly humorous poem about a man's outrageous sexual escapades at a zoo, culminating in the unforgettable line about a hippo's fart. The absurdity of mixing animal encounters with raunchy humor creates a laugh-out-loud moment that keeps listeners engaged and entertained.
“… it oh and his stepdad would be like oh you still talking to this motherfucker and he coming and just throw the fucking mail right at him and they already had the worst relationship no right no he thought it was the real guy no idea dude i'd send him like four christmas cards every year from this dude bro because we were a pedophile but they fucking love christmas i bet you know i mean yeah because it's just an old dude stopping in and getting fucking and relating with children that's all it is dude we we see look at the old christmas pictures your parents took you down to some guy some drunk in …”
“… from Mr Richard to my buddy Scott and mail him to his house all the time that fucked up and his stepdad good shit that good shit too i get it i like the you know you're just that's the shit i love bro i know just the psychological torture yeah i get it oh and his stepdad would be like oh you still talking to this motherfucker and he coming and just throw the fucking mail right at him and they already had the worst relationship no right no he thought it was the real guy no idea dude i'd send him like four christmas cards every year from this dude bro because we were a pedophile but they fucking love christmas i bet you know i mean yeah because it's just an old dude stopping in and getting fucking and relating with children that's all it is dude we we see look at the old christmas pictures your parents took you down to some guy some drunk in a beard and you sat on his lap he's like you know what i I mean, I'm sure if Boy Scout guys are pedos, then the Santa guys, there had to be one, one or two. It's like, oh, we went to the Easter Bunny. I know the Easter Bunny had an erection. You know what I mean? How could you tell? I could just fucking tell. You know what I mean? And it wasn't …”
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The segment kicks off with a hilarious reflection on a childhood prank involving letters from a fictional 'pedo guy' that the host sent to his friend's house, leading to a series of absurd comparisons between Santa Claus and other questionable figures. The comedic exploration of societal issues through the lens of childhood experiences, combined with outrageous imagery, makes this segment a wild ride of laughter and discomfort.
“… so far, yeah, this is great. We're like penis amputation. So it's either it is or it's bullshit. Oh, okay. Right. We land. We meet the ambulance. Where do you land? Are you in a rural area? We're in Timbuktu. We are where the hoot owls meet the chickens. Okay. We open the ambulance doors and there he lays in the fetal position. Oh boy. And he is cut from top to taint. No. And his little testicles are laying there. Splayed out divided in half Yeah Oh my God And there no penis Is there blood everywhere he waited a while to call and we get there don worry the best part is he kind of looked like …”
“… earlier Dax said we should do a prompt about severed penis. Severed penis. And I didn't even respond. Yeah, she thought it was so stupid that would never happen. Okay, okay. So you just made my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You made 2026. We're early, but so far, yeah, this is great. We're like penis amputation. So it's either it is or it's bullshit. Oh, okay. Right. We land. We meet the ambulance. Where do you land? Are you in a rural area? We're in Timbuktu. We are where the hoot owls meet the chickens. Okay. We open the ambulance doors and there he lays in the fetal position. Oh boy. And he is cut from top to taint. No. And his little testicles are laying there. Splayed out divided in half Yeah Oh my God And there no penis Is there blood everywhere he waited a while to call and we get there don worry the best part is he kind of looked like carrot top oh interesting okay that's just a kicker situation so the gentleman had placed a tourniquet on his cut ball sack and their medical director had told them to release the tourniquet. So that is what prompted him to be laying open with his little balls hanging there. And he's alert, oriented, chill as a cucumber. What? How old is he? He's …”
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In a wild ambulance ride, the crew encounters a young man who has undergone a shocking penis amputation. The absurdity peaks when he jokes about losing height due to his injury, while his severed member is chilling on ice. This segment combines dark humor with outrageous medical anecdotes, making it both shocking and hilarious.
“… talking about it was a big hit and one of the things that people forget because tv is so different now it's not even called tv anymore it's just there's entertainment everywhere on all these different platforms back then it was next to impossible to crack into one of these shows you do and you say i'm going to do this completely my way and i remember the guests i mean these were not people you ever saw on television and these are the people you saw that they weren't making me turn down like i was having Ice Cube stop by the studio and say, yo, dog, look at this and tell me what you think, you …”
“… to be a jazz interview. Jazz interview. And everyone loves jazz. You go in. you go in with the things that you wanted to do and you you did them right away you were completely yourself and it was a phenomenon i mean the show was it's all anybody was talking about it was a big hit and one of the things that people forget because tv is so different now it's not even called tv anymore it's just there's entertainment everywhere on all these different platforms back then it was next to impossible to crack into one of these shows you do and you say i'm going to do this completely my way and i remember the guests i mean these were not people you ever saw on television and these are the people you saw that they weren't making me turn down like i was having Ice Cube stop by the studio and say, yo, dog, look at this and tell me what you think, you know, and it would be him performing with NWA. And I'm like, I can't even say the title. Yeah. You know, yeah. Yeah. Niggas with attitude. And I went to Paramount. I tried to get them on. So there were people you didn't see because early on because you couldn't get them on. Well, yeah, Paramount wouldn't let me put NWA on. Eventually, I brought …”
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Arsenio Hall hilariously recounts the challenges of getting controversial guests on his show, like Ice-T and NWA, despite network pushback. His boldness and refusal to take no for an answer create a comedic tension that showcases the absurdity of television politics in the '90s.
“… video sessions and why did this bitch sell him out see like he paid her right did he stiff you on the payment i definitely remember his face but there's no way i could ever forget the fake boobs this woman he uses his name said uh earlier the week the daily mail published photos of him i'm christy's husband of 34 years seemingly wearing a large pair of fake breasts under a tight top and a pair of hot pants so he liked it's part of the bimbo vacation scene a role-playing kink centered around exaggerated hypersexual femininity so this is the woman he would talk to they sent shockwaves around …”
“so let's say model was paid 25 a minute to talk dirty with the cross-dressing husband bucks a minute yeah damn it's good he liked to perform for her during the video sessions and why did this bitch sell him out see like he paid her right did he stiff you on the payment i definitely remember his face but there's no way i could ever forget the fake boobs this woman he uses his name said uh earlier the week the daily mail published photos of him i'm christy's husband of 34 years seemingly wearing a large pair of fake breasts under a tight top and a pair of hot pants so he liked it's part of the bimbo vacation scene a role-playing kink centered around exaggerated hypersexual femininity so this is the woman he would talk to they sent shockwaves around washington president trump addressed it i don't know anything about it that's too bad i just i don't know anything about it security experts suggest the existence of Photographs could have made his wife subject to potential blackmail threats. Okay, it's astounding that somebody whose spouse is at the level has that kind of back. So maybe it's just …”
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In this hilariously absurd segment, the hosts dive into a scandal involving a conservative figure caught in a bimbofication role-play gone wrong. The outrageous details about fake breasts and duck faces keep the laughs rolling as they dissect the hypocrisy of a man living a double life, all while poking fun at the absurdity of his situation.
“… up and put her on the side of the bed. He said he was trying to rape her. Right. But he couldn't get it up enough to rape her. Wow. So he asked her where she had some Vaseline in the house. Okay. I don't know how that's going to make his dick any harder. No. No. So she told him where it was. Yeah. And he put some Vaseline on his dick and on her as well. And then he was able to get more of an erection and proceed here. He said during the act, they were both silence went silent at the time when he was done. He got finished and then he said, all right, now it's your turn to undo it. okay yeah now …”
“… you know what I want is? And he didn't say anything. So he said she cooperated with him as he took her pants off, or down, I should say, because her legs are tied. And he said that she only stated not on the floor, please. Okay. And so he picked her up and put her on the side of the bed. He said he was trying to rape her. Right. But he couldn't get it up enough to rape her. Wow. So he asked her where she had some Vaseline in the house. Okay. I don't know how that's going to make his dick any harder. No. No. So she told him where it was. Yeah. And he put some Vaseline on his dick and on her as well. And then he was able to get more of an erection and proceed here. He said during the act, they were both silence went silent at the time when he was done. He got finished and then he said, all right, now it's your turn to undo it. okay yeah now it's your turn undo it there i did that that means i took that back so now you have to undo it and she said i don't know what you're talking about yeah what are you talking about and he said you know what the fuck i'm talking about don't act like you don't know and she's like i don't know what you're talking just tell me and i'll do anything you …”
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In a bizarre twist, a would-be rapist struggles to get it up, leading to an absurd negotiation over Vaseline. The victim's calm responses and witty retorts turn a terrifying situation into a darkly humorous tale of survival and absurdity.
“… and scrambled his eggs i think everybody goes to jail right in that situation i've never heard the the legal term of mutual combat mutual cut well there is something called mutual combat but that's like if you're like two people out that are adults and you're like you know both agreeing to fight and all that there's states that have mutual combat laws but it's not at home between a husband and wife yeah right that's not the loss that's called domestic violence that's not of two guys in a parking lot that agreed to settle their differences mutual combat should be drawn at the line of same gender …”
“… you're all even up now, right? did it have his breakfast in it let me ask you this did it have his breakfast well i think a frying pan to the head and his eggs on the floor is plenty i think it's all solved now that's crazy he scrambled his eggs and scrambled his eggs i think everybody goes to jail right in that situation i've never heard the the legal term of mutual combat mutual cut well there is something called mutual combat but that's like if you're like two people out that are adults and you're like you know both agreeing to fight and all that there's states that have mutual combat laws but it's not at home between a husband and wife yeah right that's not the loss that's called domestic violence that's not of two guys in a parking lot that agreed to settle their differences mutual combat should be drawn at the line of same gender the second that a lady's involved with the dude. That's just domestic violence. And also a weapon is involved. What's a frying pans in the mix? I don't think mutual combat, you can't pick up a two by four and whack the guy with it I think this is we talking fisticuffs at that point I go one step further James and say even if he loses the battle …”
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In this wild segment, the hosts dive into the absurdity of a domestic dispute where a frying pan becomes a weapon of choice. The hilarious twist comes when they discuss the idea of 'mutual combat' in a kitchen, leading to outrageous comparisons and the notion that both parties might just end up in jail for their antics.
“… hot. it happens all the time yeah well now they're reading too much darren erotica yeah that's why they're fucking becoming and it's that's like tv there's like shows about it and it's like hot the show's hot yeah it's what's the fx show called like the teacher or something like that with a yes rooney maro or whatever there was a new book that just came out about a um it's from like a fuck what is it called i think it's like jeanette mccurdy i think she was a yeah yeah she's a half his age and it's about like a 17 year old seducing her teacher i read the whole book well i was going to have her …”
“Yeah. And she was hot. it happens all the time yeah well now they're reading too much darren erotica yeah that's why they're fucking becoming and it's that's like tv there's like shows about it and it's like hot the show's hot yeah it's what's the fx show called like the teacher or something like that with a yes rooney maro or whatever there was a new book that just came out about a um it's from like a fuck what is it called i think it's like jeanette mccurdy i think she was a yeah yeah she's a half his age and it's about like a 17 year old seducing her teacher i read the whole book well i was going to have her on i'm on my i'm on my third reread actually i can't get enough of this book i was going to have her on because i'm like man that's kind of wild yeah because you wrote the book you could have it was a senior she could have been 18 and like yeah sure you know then you would have been but it's just like you know so i was kind of curious but i read it …”
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In this wild book discussion, the hosts dive into a story about a 17-year-old seducing her not-so-perfect teacher, complete with a receding hairline and belly. The punchline? After all the drama, she realizes she doesn't need a man to justify her existence, leaving listeners both shocked and amused by the bizarre plot twists.
“… need to see an hour but i do stand-up all the time yeah and you're constantly in it what's what's like been the funniest like show you've ever had where you're like that was crazy that that happened um i've got any crazy audience members or anything yeah definitely i what comes to mind is the my biggest bomb was your biggest bomb is what came to mind i mean just like crazy in that it just stands it was trauma lowercase t trauma lowercase i mean we can we can laugh right to laugh um but it was my first paid gig ever i was in my 20s it was a gay cruise i was still drinking and doing drugs I'm …”
“… need me. you're doing great you're doing great it would probably like ruin watching stand-up for you yeah the whole time i'm watching stand-up i'm like and then i turn it off but even like my brilliant friends i like 20 minutes is enough i don't need to see an hour but i do stand-up all the time yeah and you're constantly in it what's what's like been the funniest like show you've ever had where you're like that was crazy that that happened um i've got any crazy audience members or anything yeah definitely i what comes to mind is the my biggest bomb was your biggest bomb is what came to mind i mean just like crazy in that it just stands it was trauma lowercase t trauma lowercase i mean we can we can laugh right to laugh um but it was my first paid gig ever i was in my 20s it was a gay cruise i was still drinking and doing drugs I'm sober now. Okay. Look at you. 10 years. Isn't that crazy? But I was still very much in my cups. And it was this older gay cruise. And I told an AIDS joke. Oh. And they almost threw me off the boat. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. The comedians loved it. That's actually where Bob and I met. Bob was hosting those shows. Bob's cackling in the back. The other …”
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Zach Noe Towers shares a hilarious and cringe-worthy moment from his first paid gig on a gay cruise, where telling an AIDS joke almost got him thrown overboard. This story highlights the stark difference between being internet funny and live performance funny, especially in front of a tough crowd. The audience's reaction and Zach's reflections make this segment both entertaining and insightful.
“And open their pineal land. Yeah. This is right before motherfuckers start living in a treehouse. Yeah. I know. I could see myself going here so fast. This dude, I guarantee you this dude is living in a tree. dude i'll live in a tree like i could go here so fucking quickly i swear i'm insane even if you had to sniff your piss to stay there yeah i could see myself because i like meditate a lot brand like i'm telling you i'm i'm into the aliens i'm channeling i'm used to european i mean i'm crazy like i love this kind of weird shit now and i could go there no see i i i can go i can do …”
“And open their pineal land. Yeah. This is right before motherfuckers start living in a treehouse. Yeah. I know. I could see myself going here so fast. This dude, I guarantee you this dude is living in a tree. dude i'll live in a tree like i could go here so fucking quickly i swear i'm insane even if you had to sniff your piss to stay there yeah i could see myself because i like meditate a lot brand like i'm telling you i'm i'm into the aliens i'm channeling i'm used to european i mean i'm crazy like i love this kind of weird shit now and i could go there no see i i i can go i can do weird i can do weird i can do strange oh yeah you know me i have my phd in in in dealing with white people yeah i could i can do weird but you lose me at bodily fluids yeah like because because i could be the guy i could be the security guy at that joy camp oh my god with a clapping stomp to your heart's degree i might even join you for a meal if i …”
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In this outrageous segment, the hosts hilariously debate the absurdity of health practices like snorting urine and the dangers of bodily fluids. The punchline hits when they realize that if someone thinks their piss is good enough to snort, they probably shouldn't be making sandwiches for others!
“… Well, let me tell you why this really fluffs my feathers a little bit in the wrong way, Mark. because I walk outside, it's a beautiful sunny day, there's a light breeze that doesn't even tussle my hair. And then I'm reminded, Mark, I don't have hair. I'm bald. And you know, every time I go outside and it's a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze, I'm reminded there is no hair. I could get sunburned. And my hair doesn't blow in the wind anymore. And that kind of takes a little bit of it out for me. You're right. Okay, I get it. I'm sorry. I didn't realize there are some people that can't …”
“… a bright, beautiful, sunny day, perfect temperature, slight, just the lightest, beautiful breeze. It doesn't even tussle your hair, but it cools. That's so refreshing. And then the birds are singing and grass, green trees, leaves, beautiful nature. Well, let me tell you why this really fluffs my feathers a little bit in the wrong way, Mark. because I walk outside, it's a beautiful sunny day, there's a light breeze that doesn't even tussle my hair. And then I'm reminded, Mark, I don't have hair. I'm bald. And you know, every time I go outside and it's a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze, I'm reminded there is no hair. I could get sunburned. And my hair doesn't blow in the wind anymore. And that kind of takes a little bit of it out for me. You're right. Okay, I get it. I'm sorry. I didn't realize there are some people that can't enjoy that. Well, sensitivity training might do you some good, I guess. All right, all right. Come down there, Wade. You slow your roll a little bit. All right. It's a beautiful, sunny morning. You're outside. You've gone to your favorite park. You're out there to enjoy some nature, and you start your walk. ah excuse me oh excuse me on your left oh a …”
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In this hilariously dark segment, Wade laments the woes of enjoying a sunny day while being bald and plagued by annoying people. The comedic climax escalates when Bob takes it to an absurd level, referencing Hiroshima and turning a beautiful morning into an unexpectedly grim punchline, showcasing the podcast's unique blend of humor and shock value.
“It's so funny as shit. They get this kid to just say it. Then there's a car. It jumps. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Yeah. But the problem was like as things got weird, especially with like restrictive language and hate speech talk and all that jazz, everybody had to be careful about what they joked around about. That's the fucking death of comedy. Oh, my God. Someone was just talking about – was it Lisa Kudrow or one of these funny ladies was talking about why they can't make comedies anymore because you …”
“It's so funny as shit. They get this kid to just say it. Then there's a car. It jumps. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Yeah. But the problem was like as things got weird, especially with like restrictive language and hate speech talk and all that jazz, everybody had to be careful about what they joked around about. That's the fucking death of comedy. Oh, my God. Someone was just talking about – was it Lisa Kudrow or one of these funny ladies was talking about why they can't make comedies anymore because you can't – there's just too many restrictions. to worry about offending people I went to this used bookstore and bought like 10 old National Lampoon magazines I wanted it from the 70s And I was going to bring them here I forgot I was going to give them to you But it uh oh my god Like, I mean, I don't get offended by comedy. But like some of the shit in …”
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The segment dives into the wild world of underground comic artist Art Crumb, who famously left his family to sketch while on acid, resulting in bizarre yet brilliant artwork. The hosts hilariously debate the shocking and sexual nature of his comics, with one even admitting to having 'jerked off' to them, showcasing the absurdity of past cultural norms.
“… found the funniest but we don't talk about their writers but when a woman does it i swear to god it happens every time and it's given me a complex where i'm like i can't i can't ask for help i i don't want to i need to write a better joke than that one because if i use that one i can't really claim that it was me that did that and i it's it's made me kind of insecure about like well i only got far because the golden gloves is only good because the writers room like it's made me feel that way but i'm like wait a second when there's a home decorator that puts together a beautiful room, people …”
“… very interesting to me that um for some reason stand-up comics like call each other out for that stuff they don't call men out it's like we it's like every late night show they all have writers but we say conan's the funniest colbert's the funniest found the funniest but we don't talk about their writers but when a woman does it i swear to god it happens every time and it's given me a complex where i'm like i can't i can't ask for help i i don't want to i need to write a better joke than that one because if i use that one i can't really claim that it was me that did that and i it's it's made me kind of insecure about like well i only got far because the golden gloves is only good because the writers room like it's made me feel that way but i'm like wait a second when there's a home decorator that puts together a beautiful room, people don't go, well, she didn't make that couch. She didn't make that book. But she put it all together. What about that? We give credit for that. And I'm actually making the chairs. I am writing the jokes. But it like if you don do it all you not allowed to claim credit And it also is aside from even just that it like the amount that you have to pour into …”
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Nikki Glaser hilariously exposes the double standards in comedy, revealing how women are often discredited for using writers, while male comedians get a free pass. She compares it to home decorators getting credit for their beautiful setups, sparking a laugh while tackling a serious issue about gender bias in the industry.
“… Right. And then people forget. Forget COVID. How many died? How many died? Let's put all the numbers together and that is your ladybug. Well, here's the thing. I'll tell you what's crazy about this goddamn country. It was pretty clear that COVID came from a lab and not from a wet market. And anybody who suggested that it came from a lab instead of a wet market was pilloried and destroyed in this country. Now that is the most insane thing in the world because because China I mean you have to kind of think about it China unleashes this virus on the world and the United States is you know …”
“… in China is controlled by the government. If they want to go after them, no one can make any drug. If the government didn't want us to get the ingredients to make fentanyl or in Mexico. No one could. We wouldn't get it. Yes. It's a state-operated business. Right. And then people forget. Forget COVID. How many died? How many died? Let's put all the numbers together and that is your ladybug. Well, here's the thing. I'll tell you what's crazy about this goddamn country. It was pretty clear that COVID came from a lab and not from a wet market. And anybody who suggested that it came from a lab instead of a wet market was pilloried and destroyed in this country. Now that is the most insane thing in the world because because China I mean you have to kind of think about it China unleashes this virus on the world and the United States is you know economy is destroyed schools are closed businesses shut down people locked in their homes And anybody who suggested that it could have come from a lab was destroyed in this country. You know what? Trump's greatest move, Dawson, came from China. The whole China virus. That clip is the greatest fucking clip in the world because and by the way, everyone …”
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In this segment, the host hilariously connects the COVID lab leak theory to a humorous metaphor about ladybugs, while passionately critiquing the media's response. The outrageous claim that more Americans died from fentanyl than in major wars adds a shocking twist that keeps listeners engaged and laughing.
“… by the way. Jack Osborne and I and another team of investigators go to paranormal hot spots around the country and do our own investigations out there on our own. How's Jack's health? He's good. And he's, you know, it's not anything that affects you right away. And I think he has the most mild form, if there is one, of multiple sclerosis. So he's kicking ass, you know. And his weight's good. He's in good shape. Yeah, he looks great. Yeah. He's one of those guys who went, like, I was fat. I'm not going back. And then he got into, like, I don't know, free climbing and stuff like that, right? …”
“Sci-fi, by the way. Jack Osborne and I and another team of investigators go to paranormal hot spots around the country and do our own investigations out there on our own. How's Jack's health? He's good. And he's, you know, it's not anything that affects you right away. And I think he has the most mild form, if there is one, of multiple sclerosis. So he's kicking ass, you know. And his weight's good. He's in good shape. Yeah, he looks great. Yeah. He's one of those guys who went, like, I was fat. I'm not going back. And then he got into, like, I don't know, free climbing and stuff like that, right? Yeah, he's really active. Yeah. Like, there's this thing. It's weird. it's funny. You know what? I'm going to fatten up my kid. As an experiment? No. This will work. This is science just like showing them my genitalia at three and a half. You're frightening Dana and also me. Also I have a large microphone. I'll tell you the science behind the …”
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In this hilarious segment, the hosts dive into the absurd idea of introducing kids to their dad's anatomy as a bizarre form of parenting. The punchline? It's all about planting the seed of confidence, even if it sounds completely outrageous. The conversation takes wild turns, discussing everything from childhood perceptions to the 'fire in the belly' of fat kids versus jocks.
“… You slide the whole thing over. That's very funny. You are on the 13th floor It just says 14 That right And you can make buzz driving drunk driving There no avoiding If you have 13 floors in your hotel there is a 13th floor That's right. You just can't avoid it. And if you're on the 13th floor buzzed, you're drunk. I think we know. I think we're making sense. Yeah. I mean, you can have three beers and be buzzed and drive, but it's not drunk driving. It depends on what you ate and your size, I believe. Yes. Yes. A fellow like you could drink three beers and drive. When I was a big drinker, I used …”
“… see what you're saying So if you're going to live You're saying buzzed is sober No I'm saying If you are going to elevate Buzz driving to drunk driving Okay. Then you've got to take sober driving and move it up to bust. I see the whole thing slide. You slide the whole thing over. That's very funny. You are on the 13th floor It just says 14 That right And you can make buzz driving drunk driving There no avoiding If you have 13 floors in your hotel there is a 13th floor That's right. You just can't avoid it. And if you're on the 13th floor buzzed, you're drunk. I think we know. I think we're making sense. Yeah. I mean, you can have three beers and be buzzed and drive, but it's not drunk driving. It depends on what you ate and your size, I believe. Yes. Yes. A fellow like you could drink three beers and drive. When I was a big drinker, I used to have a breathalyzer in my car. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a sign. Was it accurate? That's a sign that maybe you should bump the brakes. Well, it is weird. I never really used it because if I was drinking, I would never. I'm kind of paranoid in that way because there's that story. I wonder if this will make sense. I tried to do a joke …”
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In this hilarious segment, Pete Holmes dives into the absurdity of buzzed versus drunk driving, leading to a wild comparison of prison life and societal views on crime. The punchline about how we casually joke about prison sexual assault while ignoring its severity is both shocking and thought-provoking, making for an unforgettable comedic moment.
“… is. I'm attracted to everybody. Like, that's nuts. But in 20 years, you're going to be like, Tom, I'm a child molester. I'm trying to fit in. Like, where does it end? Well, there are academics that are trying to say that these are minor attracted persons. I've heard of maps. That's bananas. Insane. Why aren't we talking? Why isn't that a big story? Gadsad calls it suicidal empathy. You get to a point where you're trying to justify everything and empathize with everything to the point where you make horrific actions. and terrible crimes are justifiable. Well, doesn't it kind of horse you? You …”
“… the ultimate insult when I was in high school. And now I got friends like, tell them I'm bi. I'm trying to fit in. Right. So it went from an insult to, like, a cool thing. I'm pansexual. That's my favorite. Yes. I'll fuck everybody. That's what it is. I'm attracted to everybody. Like, that's nuts. But in 20 years, you're going to be like, Tom, I'm a child molester. I'm trying to fit in. Like, where does it end? Well, there are academics that are trying to say that these are minor attracted persons. I've heard of maps. That's bananas. Insane. Why aren't we talking? Why isn't that a big story? Gadsad calls it suicidal empathy. You get to a point where you're trying to justify everything and empathize with everything to the point where you make horrific actions. and terrible crimes are justifiable. Well, doesn't it kind of horse you? You know, like you see like an alt-right guy who'll draw a swastika on a synagogue and you're like, all right, that guy's a piece of shit. But then a liberal guy will do it on a cyber truck. Exactly. And you're like, wait, you guys just met in the middle somehow. Exactly. Crazy. You're putting swastikas on cyber trucks because you think Elon Musk is a …”
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Mark Normand hilariously critiques the cultural shift around sexual orientation, noting how being gay went from an insult to a badge of honor. He takes the absurdity further, joking about future identities, like 'child molester,' and how empathy can sometimes lead to justifying the unjustifiable.
“Great to be here. What's up, folks? I don't know how y'all feel about immigration, but I feel like all things, we need some balance. Like, I think we should build a wall. We should also install a doggy door for hot Latinas. We need them desperately. I think we should import millions of gorgeous Latinas. And for every Latina we import, we can deport one obese white chick. Maybe two to one or three to one. I don't know what the exchange rate is. I'm a big white …”
“Great to be here. What's up, folks? I don't know how y'all feel about immigration, but I feel like all things, we need some balance. Like, I think we should build a wall. We should also install a doggy door for hot Latinas. We need them desperately. I think we should import millions of gorgeous Latinas. And for every Latina we import, we can deport one obese white chick. Maybe two to one or three to one. I don't know what the exchange rate is. I'm a big white gal. It's been a tough year. My best friend died from a fake Xanax that had fentanyl in it. Yeah, he would take Xanax to help him chill out. Now he's about as chill as you can possibly get. Eternally chill. And my other friend FaceTimed him the night he died. He still feels horrible. Feels like he could have saved him somehow. Imagine how I feel. I …”
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Blake Apatow delivers a wild take on immigration, suggesting we build a wall but also a doggy door for gorgeous Latinas. His punchline about the tragic fate of his friend who died from a fake Xanax adds a dark twist, making the audience laugh and gasp simultaneously. The mix of absurdity and personal tragedy keeps listeners engaged and entertained.
“… goofballs together the fun funny just stupid stuff yeah that like comfortability of like you like the same language yeah like we know each other there's a deleted clip from Vanderpump of you tom and raquel in a hot tub in mexico and you say it looks like we're in a throuple that feels like a foreshadowing now knowing what we know what specific moments did you have to look back on or you look back on now that you're like whoa something so fucking shady was going on in that exact moment and i i didn't know i didn't know that one in particular that that's the big he's like fingering her in the …”
“right because I don't know what do you miss about the relationship um I would say inside jokes yeah being goofballs together the fun funny just stupid stuff yeah that like comfortability of like you like the same language yeah like we know each other there's a deleted clip from Vanderpump of you tom and raquel in a hot tub in mexico and you say it looks like we're in a throuple that feels like a foreshadowing now knowing what we know what specific moments did you have to look back on or you look back on now that you're like whoa something so fucking shady was going on in that exact moment and i i didn't know i didn't know that one in particular that that's the big he's like fingering her in the hot tub and you like don't even like this is hilarious you guys like i'm so drunk i'm like this is so funny and by the way his whole thing about like skinny dipping and hang gliding i went hang gliding and i clearly went skinny dipping like i don't know what the hell you're fucking talking about anyways there's that there were times where we would …”
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In a hilarious twist of trust issues, the host reveals a shocking moment from a reality show where her boyfriend was caught getting frisky in a hot tub, leading to a realization that he might have been cheating all along. The absurdity of her friend's poorly trained dog adds a comedic layer, making her reflections on infidelity both funny and relatable.
“… away from them. I mean. So then, Charlie, so then you finish high school and you say, I'm going to go to New York City and I'm going to try to become a professional guitar player or actor. Yes, I did have that thought. I was like, well, do I. Which one? I didn't know. I was like, maybe I want to write music or maybe I want to do acting. But you knew your future wasn't in Rhode Island. It was probably in Manhattan. Yeah. Well, first I went to college, Jason. Where was that? Wait, hang on. What's college? Yeah, it's a school after the studio school. Voluntary additional school? I don't …”
“Ba-na-na-na. You guys are going to have to take that slide whistle away from them. I mean. So then, Charlie, so then you finish high school and you say, I'm going to go to New York City and I'm going to try to become a professional guitar player or actor. Yes, I did have that thought. I was like, well, do I. Which one? I didn't know. I was like, maybe I want to write music or maybe I want to do acting. But you knew your future wasn't in Rhode Island. It was probably in Manhattan. Yeah. Well, first I went to college, Jason. Where was that? Wait, hang on. What's college? Yeah, it's a school after the studio school. Voluntary additional school? I don't understand it. Voluntary? Yeah, that's the part I couldn't compute when I was a kid. What trailer was that in on the corner lot? Yeah, one with a flat tire. Here's what happened. I went to the voluntary additional school, and they had a theater program, but they also had a baseball team. And I didn't make the baseball team, and I thought, oh, well, I'll …”
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Charlie shares a hilarious and cringe-worthy theater story about a mishap during a high school play, where he accidentally raised a wheelchair into the air just as the curtain went up. The punchline hits when the actor's first line is about not being able to walk again, making the moment both awkward and uproariously funny.
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