Best Podcast Episodes About They Will Kill You
Everything podcasters are saying about They Will Kill You — curated from top podcasts
Updated: Apr 27, 2026 – 64 episodes
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Ridealong has curated the best and most interesting podcasts and clips about They Will Kill You.
Top Podcast Clips About They Will Kill You
“I would never tell a soul my plans If no one at school was going to fuck me I should get a job Maybe one of them will suck me How long is this fucking poem All right, all right, all right. Double-sided. Double-sided. It is double-sided. It is double-sided. Like if Dr. Seuss was a doctor at Ty Marion's hospital. Who knows what's going to happen? Does he lose his virginity? Here we go. Oh. Here we go. It's the juiced up part of the poem. Vagina, pussy, beaver, and ham. Ham? Yeah, sure. Ham? I had to rhyme it. All right, hey, work with me, work with me. All …”
“I would never tell a soul my plans If no one at school was going to fuck me I should get a job Maybe one of them will suck me How long is this fucking poem All right, all right, all right. Double-sided. Double-sided. It is double-sided. It is double-sided. Like if Dr. Seuss was a doctor at Ty Marion's hospital. Who knows what's going to happen? Does he lose his virginity? Here we go. Oh. Here we go. It's the juiced up part of the poem. Vagina, pussy, beaver, and ham. Ham? Yeah, sure. Ham? I had to rhyme it. All right, hey, work with me, work with me. All right. I love to suck ham. Hey, don't make me start this over. All right, I'm about to. All right, all right. Beaver and ham. Vajayjay, clitoris, coochie, and clam. There it is. I got a job, and the first week went great. I laid low. They trusted me. They took the bait. They asked me, hey, would you be able to work late? I knew having sex was in my …”
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This segment features a wildly humorous poem about a man's outrageous sexual escapades at a zoo, culminating in the unforgettable line about a hippo's fart. The absurdity of mixing animal encounters with raunchy humor creates a laugh-out-loud moment that keeps listeners engaged and entertained.
“… i get it oh and his stepdad would be like oh you still talking to this motherfucker and he coming and just throw the fucking mail right at him and they already had the worst relationship no right no he thought it was the real guy no idea dude i'd send him like four christmas cards every year from this dude bro because we were a pedophile but they fucking love christmas i bet you know i mean yeah because it's just an old dude stopping in and getting fucking and relating with children that's all it is dude we we see look at the old christmas pictures your parents took you down to some guy some …”
“… letters from Mr Richard to my buddy Scott and mail him to his house all the time that fucked up and his stepdad good shit that good shit too i get it i like the you know you're just that's the shit i love bro i know just the psychological torture yeah i get it oh and his stepdad would be like oh you still talking to this motherfucker and he coming and just throw the fucking mail right at him and they already had the worst relationship no right no he thought it was the real guy no idea dude i'd send him like four christmas cards every year from this dude bro because we were a pedophile but they fucking love christmas i bet you know i mean yeah because it's just an old dude stopping in and getting fucking and relating with children that's all it is dude we we see look at the old christmas pictures your parents took you down to some guy some drunk in a beard and you sat on his lap he's like you know what i I mean, I'm sure if Boy Scout guys are pedos, then the Santa guys, there had to be one, one or two. It's like, oh, we went to the Easter Bunny. I know the Easter Bunny had an erection. You know what I mean? How could you tell? I could just fucking tell. You know what I mean? And it …”
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The segment kicks off with a hilarious reflection on a childhood prank involving letters from a fictional 'pedo guy' that the host sent to his friend's house, leading to a series of absurd comparisons between Santa Claus and other questionable figures. The comedic exploration of societal issues through the lens of childhood experiences, combined with outrageous imagery, makes this segment a wild ride of laughter and discomfort.
“… eee. Did you have any harrowing flying issues? Weather was always a factor. Most of the pilots were great. Some had chips on their shoulder. Were they mostly ex-military? Most of them. All right. So hit us with your crazy story. Okay. When we're told about what our flights were, they don't tell us exactly what the call is until we lift. Just because they don't want us to make any rash decisions on the ground in case of weather, any other factor. That's really smart. I love how many things they think through. Yes. So we lift and we head towards the coordinates and they tell us that it's a …”
“… that? I did that for five years. And what was the overall experience? Obviously, you stopped doing it. My littlest kept asking me if I was going to die every day I went to work. That's the scary thing for your mom to be doing. Yeah. So I finally said, eee. Did you have any harrowing flying issues? Weather was always a factor. Most of the pilots were great. Some had chips on their shoulder. Were they mostly ex-military? Most of them. All right. So hit us with your crazy story. Okay. When we're told about what our flights were, they don't tell us exactly what the call is until we lift. Just because they don't want us to make any rash decisions on the ground in case of weather, any other factor. That's really smart. I love how many things they think through. Yes. So we lift and we head towards the coordinates and they tell us that it's a penis amputation. Oh, what a blessing. Wait, that's a sim because earlier Dax said we should do a prompt about severed penis. Severed penis. And I didn't even respond. Yeah, she thought it was so stupid that would never happen. Okay, okay. So you just made my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You made 2026. We're early, but so far, yeah, this is great. We're like …”
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In a wild ambulance ride, the crew encounters a young man who has undergone a shocking penis amputation. The absurdity peaks when he jokes about losing height due to his injury, while his severed member is chilling on ice. This segment combines dark humor with outrageous medical anecdotes, making it both shocking and hilarious.
“… you walk to school, you're gonna get your ass beat. You know? Give me a quarter. But do a trick with it first motherfucker You know that was my life They hit you and three pigeons fall out of your sleeve Absolutely. That's so fantastic. No, you were, I mean, we're going to just jump around because that's the kind of interview this is going to be. We're going to jump all over the place. But this is going to be a jazz interview. Jazz interview. And everyone loves jazz. You go in. you go in with the things that you wanted to do and you you did them right away you were completely yourself and it was …”
“That is a recipe for getting your ass whipped every day. Every day you walk to school, you're gonna get your ass beat. You know? Give me a quarter. But do a trick with it first motherfucker You know that was my life They hit you and three pigeons fall out of your sleeve Absolutely. That's so fantastic. No, you were, I mean, we're going to just jump around because that's the kind of interview this is going to be. We're going to jump all over the place. But this is going to be a jazz interview. Jazz interview. And everyone loves jazz. You go in. you go in with the things that you wanted to do and you you did them right away you were completely yourself and it was a phenomenon i mean the show was it's all anybody was talking about it was a big hit and one of the things that people forget because tv is so different now it's not even called tv anymore it's just there's entertainment everywhere on all these different platforms back then it was next to impossible to crack into one of these shows you do and you …”
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Arsenio Hall hilariously recounts the challenges of getting controversial guests on his show, like Ice-T and NWA, despite network pushback. His boldness and refusal to take no for an answer create a comedic tension that showcases the absurdity of television politics in the '90s.
“… it's part of the bimbo vacation scene a role-playing kink centered around exaggerated hypersexual femininity so this is the woman he would talk to they sent shockwaves around washington president trump addressed it i don't know anything about it that's too bad i just i don't know anything about it security experts suggest the existence of Photographs could have made his wife subject to potential blackmail threats. Okay, it's astounding that somebody whose spouse is at the level has that kind of back. So maybe it's just that he kept those photos around and then they leaked, you know, somehow …”
“… forget the fake boobs this woman he uses his name said uh earlier the week the daily mail published photos of him i'm christy's husband of 34 years seemingly wearing a large pair of fake breasts under a tight top and a pair of hot pants so he liked it's part of the bimbo vacation scene a role-playing kink centered around exaggerated hypersexual femininity so this is the woman he would talk to they sent shockwaves around washington president trump addressed it i don't know anything about it that's too bad i just i don't know anything about it security experts suggest the existence of Photographs could have made his wife subject to potential blackmail threats. Okay, it's astounding that somebody whose spouse is at the level has that kind of back. So maybe it's just that he kept those photos around and then they leaked, you know, somehow leaked. They were stolen or something. I heard that they were leaked on a Reddit. But first of all, if this hoe, she just ruined her own business. I know. Why would you do this? But maybe she's saying it after, like she had nothing to do with the leak. That's the part that I don't really know about. she claimed that he paid her webcam services …”
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In this hilariously absurd segment, the hosts dive into a scandal involving a conservative figure caught in a bimbofication role-play gone wrong. The outrageous details about fake breasts and duck faces keep the laughs rolling as they dissect the hypocrisy of a man living a double life, all while poking fun at the absurdity of his situation.
“… And he put some Vaseline on his dick and on her as well. And then he was able to get more of an erection and proceed here. He said during the act, they were both silence went silent at the time when he was done. He got finished and then he said, all right, now it's your turn to undo it. okay yeah now it's your turn undo it there i did that that means i took that back so now you have to undo it and she said i don't know what you're talking about yeah what are you talking about and he said you know what the fuck i'm talking about don't act like you don't know and she's like i don't know what …”
“… he was trying to rape her. Right. But he couldn't get it up enough to rape her. Wow. So he asked her where she had some Vaseline in the house. Okay. I don't know how that's going to make his dick any harder. No. No. So she told him where it was. Yeah. And he put some Vaseline on his dick and on her as well. And then he was able to get more of an erection and proceed here. He said during the act, they were both silence went silent at the time when he was done. He got finished and then he said, all right, now it's your turn to undo it. okay yeah now it's your turn undo it there i did that that means i took that back so now you have to undo it and she said i don't know what you're talking about yeah what are you talking about and he said you know what the fuck i'm talking about don't act like you don't know and she's like i don't know what you're talking just tell me and i'll do anything you want obviously look what i just acquiesced to just try to get you the fuck out of my house so you Don't kill me. Undo everything. Just tell me. Whatever you need, I'll undo it. And he kept saying, you know what you did. You know what you need to undo. Do it right now. And she was like, I don't know …”
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In a bizarre twist, a would-be rapist struggles to get it up, leading to an absurd negotiation over Vaseline. The victim's calm responses and witty retorts turn a terrifying situation into a darkly humorous tale of survival and absurdity.
“… fisticuffs at that point I go one step further James and say even if he loses the battle against her he still goes to jail Well she should too They both go to jail You can hit people with a fucking frying pan No there that too Yeah But I mean you know I mean if he hit you first I guess you can hit him with the frying pan That's what I mean. We don't know the details. But if it was like, I don't know, if she hit him with a frying pan and he whacked her back. What is that? They should both go to jail at that point. Yeah. If she instigates it for sure. If she's returning fire, I guess it's …”
“… second that a lady's involved with the dude. That's just domestic violence. And also a weapon is involved. What's a frying pans in the mix? I don't think mutual combat, you can't pick up a two by four and whack the guy with it I think this is we talking fisticuffs at that point I go one step further James and say even if he loses the battle against her he still goes to jail Well she should too They both go to jail You can hit people with a fucking frying pan No there that too Yeah But I mean you know I mean if he hit you first I guess you can hit him with the frying pan That's what I mean. We don't know the details. But if it was like, I don't know, if she hit him with a frying pan and he whacked her back. What is that? They should both go to jail at that point. Yeah. If she instigates it for sure. If she's returning fire, I guess it's okay, especially because he's like a rodeo cowboy. He's a pretty rugged cat. It's not like she's fighting an 80-year-old man, 10 years younger than her. Yeah, mammals. That's crazy. So someone should be going to jail. But he said, no, it's mutual. You got him. Y'all are even. Okay. I don't like the phrase mutual combat when it comes to domestic …”
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In this wild segment, the hosts dive into the absurdity of a domestic dispute where a frying pan becomes a weapon of choice. The hilarious twist comes when they discuss the idea of 'mutual combat' in a kitchen, leading to outrageous comparisons and the notion that both parties might just end up in jail for their antics.
“Yeah. And she was hot. it happens all the time yeah well now they're reading too much darren erotica yeah that's why they're fucking becoming and it's that's like tv there's like shows about it and it's like hot the show's hot yeah it's what's the fx show called like the teacher or something like that with a yes rooney maro or whatever there was a new book that just came out about a um it's from like a fuck what is it called i think it's like jeanette mccurdy i think she was a yeah yeah she's a half his age …”
“Yeah. And she was hot. it happens all the time yeah well now they're reading too much darren erotica yeah that's why they're fucking becoming and it's that's like tv there's like shows about it and it's like hot the show's hot yeah it's what's the fx show called like the teacher or something like that with a yes rooney maro or whatever there was a new book that just came out about a um it's from like a fuck what is it called i think it's like jeanette mccurdy i think she was a yeah yeah she's a half his age and it's about like a 17 year old seducing her teacher i read the whole book well i was going to have her on i'm on my i'm on my third reread actually i can't get enough of this book i was going to have her on because i'm like man that's kind of wild yeah because you wrote the book you could have it was a senior she could have been 18 and like yeah …”
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In this wild book discussion, the hosts dive into a story about a 17-year-old seducing her not-so-perfect teacher, complete with a receding hairline and belly. The punchline? After all the drama, she realizes she doesn't need a man to justify her existence, leaving listeners both shocked and amused by the bizarre plot twists.
“… Look at you. 10 years. Isn't that crazy? But I was still very much in my cups. And it was this older gay cruise. And I told an AIDS joke. Oh. And they almost threw me off the boat. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. The comedians loved it. That's actually where Bob and I met. Bob was hosting those shows. Bob's cackling in the back. The other comedians, they love that men are actively about to hunt me down. But I get what you mean. I literally said going into stand-up. When I was going to try, I was like, I just really don't want to find out the hard way I'm not funny. Like that. Because there is a …”
“… like crazy in that it just stands it was trauma lowercase t trauma lowercase i mean we can we can laugh right to laugh um but it was my first paid gig ever i was in my 20s it was a gay cruise i was still drinking and doing drugs I'm sober now. Okay. Look at you. 10 years. Isn't that crazy? But I was still very much in my cups. And it was this older gay cruise. And I told an AIDS joke. Oh. And they almost threw me off the boat. Oh. Yeah. I see. Yeah. The comedians loved it. That's actually where Bob and I met. Bob was hosting those shows. Bob's cackling in the back. The other comedians, they love that men are actively about to hunt me down. But I get what you mean. I literally said going into stand-up. When I was going to try, I was like, I just really don't want to find out the hard way I'm not funny. Like that. Because there is a difference between being internet funny and live stage performance funny. Sure. So I really do. And I mean in the world of influencers. Yeah. They have a knack of telling people, you're so funny. You should do stand-up. Sure. And then they go and they bomb different. Yeah. It's a completely different art form.”
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Zach Noe Towers shares a hilarious and cringe-worthy moment from his first paid gig on a gay cruise, where telling an AIDS joke almost got him thrown overboard. This story highlights the stark difference between being internet funny and live performance funny, especially in front of a tough crowd. The audience's reaction and Zach's reflections make this segment both entertaining and insightful.
“… when you start doing fluids yeah i can't fuck with you i cannot no no i know i wonder if there's any black people drinking because if you if you will snort your own piss that mean you also don't wash your hands you know that right any because anybody think they piss is good enough to go back in their in their head they they think they clean they think everything about them is sanitary you just blew my mind bro because you're right that shit goes it does go it close to your brain right because you're snorting it this is very dangerous if this nigga make you a sandwich It's piss on that …”
“… bodily fluids yeah like because because i could be the guy i could be the security guy at that joy camp oh my god with a clapping stomp to your heart's degree i might even join you for a meal if i could bring my own sauces and stuff like that but this when you start doing fluids yeah i can't fuck with you i cannot no no i know i wonder if there's any black people drinking because if you if you will snort your own piss that mean you also don't wash your hands you know that right any because anybody think they piss is good enough to go back in their in their head they they think they clean they think everything about them is sanitary you just blew my mind bro because you're right that shit goes it does go it close to your brain right because you're snorting it this is very dangerous if this nigga make you a sandwich It's piss on that sandwich. Of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah, like his top piece of bread. It's piss soaked. It's all piss. It's all piss. This is like when people were putting alcohol in their sphincters so that the body absorbs it quickly. You can die so fast shooting alcohol in your butthole. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah, but you're putting uric acid up your …”
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In this outrageous segment, the hosts hilariously debate the absurdity of health practices like snorting urine and the dangers of bodily fluids. The punchline hits when they realize that if someone thinks their piss is good enough to snort, they probably shouldn't be making sandwiches for others!
“… people and people are naturally terrible. We all know this to be true. Awful. Wade. It's not the people outside you got to worry about. It's them. They're watching. Inside, you can go ahead, you can search and make sure there's no bugs planted on your lamps or your light sockets, but outside, there could be cameras anywhere. The birds themselves, they're drones. Who's watching from the moon? The government. Is there even a moon? I don't know. The Earth is flat, so why is there a round thing in the sky? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. So I'm outside, and I'm reminded of all the things out of …”
“… where you know no one who's going to ruin it is going to be there. Maybe the backyard is safe, but even in your own backyard, you can have shit ruined by people. Outside stinks. That's a good point. All these great weathers and fun things draw other people and people are naturally terrible. We all know this to be true. Awful. Wade. It's not the people outside you got to worry about. It's them. They're watching. Inside, you can go ahead, you can search and make sure there's no bugs planted on your lamps or your light sockets, but outside, there could be cameras anywhere. The birds themselves, they're drones. Who's watching from the moon? The government. Is there even a moon? I don't know. The Earth is flat, so why is there a round thing in the sky? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. So I'm outside, and I'm reminded of all the things out of my control and all the people watching me that want to take me, take my brain, and put things in my butt. Yeah, I don't want to go outside. It's awful because all it is is chaos, out of my control and they they control it all all right man okay cool all right uh that escalated quickly yeah bob uh didn't you go worse than that it's a beautiful …”
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In this hilariously dark segment, Wade laments the woes of enjoying a sunny day while being bald and plagued by annoying people. The comedic climax escalates when Bob takes it to an absurd level, referencing Hiroshima and turning a beautiful morning into an unexpectedly grim punchline, showcasing the podcast's unique blend of humor and shock value.
“It's so funny as shit. They get this kid to just say it. Then there's a car. It jumps. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Yeah. But the problem was like as things got weird, especially with like restrictive language and hate speech talk and all that jazz, everybody had to be careful about what they joked around about. That's the fucking death of comedy. Oh, my God. Someone was just talking about – was it Lisa Kudrow or one of these funny ladies was talking about why they …”
“It's so funny as shit. They get this kid to just say it. Then there's a car. It jumps. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Yeah. But the problem was like as things got weird, especially with like restrictive language and hate speech talk and all that jazz, everybody had to be careful about what they joked around about. That's the fucking death of comedy. Oh, my God. Someone was just talking about – was it Lisa Kudrow or one of these funny ladies was talking about why they can't make comedies anymore because you can't – there's just too many restrictions. to worry about offending people I went to this used bookstore and bought like 10 old National Lampoon magazines I wanted it from the 70s And I was going to bring them here I forgot I was going to give them to you But it uh oh my god Like, I mean, I don't get offended …”
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The segment dives into the wild world of underground comic artist Art Crumb, who famously left his family to sketch while on acid, resulting in bizarre yet brilliant artwork. The hosts hilariously debate the shocking and sexual nature of his comics, with one even admitting to having 'jerked off' to them, showcasing the absurdity of past cultural norms.
“… not everyone. Who else is talking about? It's not easy to talk about sex. That is so fascinating hearing you with the writer thing because it's like they're trying to discredit you. And they always say it like they're like praising me like you hire the best writers. Like I'm supposed to take like and I go, yeah, I do because I have great taste. And I also write the like jokes, a ton of like people, but it's like, it's the quickest thing to, they always do it. And as if every, like you just said, every single live show is, it is to the second that you have practiced this. They know the exact word …”
“So, yeah, it is easy for me. You talk about what's easy for you and I'll talk about what is easy for me. It is easy for me, but not everyone. Who else is talking about? It's not easy to talk about sex. That is so fascinating hearing you with the writer thing because it's like they're trying to discredit you. And they always say it like they're like praising me like you hire the best writers. Like I'm supposed to take like and I go, yeah, I do because I have great taste. And I also write the like jokes, a ton of like people, but it's like, it's the quickest thing to, they always do it. And as if every, like you just said, every single live show is, it is to the second that you have practiced this. They know the exact word that then gets you to the transition to the next thing. Cause that's how it has to go. That's how you run live television. Talk about singers. No one has ever like, but you know, yeah, she didn't, so many singers don't write their music and they never get discredited for that or they have male you know let's just talk about men helping like …”
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Nikki Glaser hilariously exposes the double standards in comedy, revealing how women are often discredited for using writers, while male comedians get a free pass. She compares it to home decorators getting credit for their beautiful setups, sparking a laugh while tackling a serious issue about gender bias in the industry.
“… by China. By China. Yes. And never think that, oh, those are the drug dealers in China. No. Everything in China is controlled by the government. If they want to go after them, no one can make any drug. If the government didn't want us to get the ingredients to make fentanyl or in Mexico. No one could. We wouldn't get it. Yes. It's a state-operated business. Right. And then people forget. Forget COVID. How many died? How many died? Let's put all the numbers together and that is your ladybug. Well, here's the thing. I'll tell you what's crazy about this goddamn country. It was pretty clear that …”
“… I mean, it's weird because we get really caught up in numbers, but more people have died in this country from fentanyl than in World War II. Put all together. Put all together. And more than probably the Civil War as well. So we're being poisoned by China. By China. Yes. And never think that, oh, those are the drug dealers in China. No. Everything in China is controlled by the government. If they want to go after them, no one can make any drug. If the government didn't want us to get the ingredients to make fentanyl or in Mexico. No one could. We wouldn't get it. Yes. It's a state-operated business. Right. And then people forget. Forget COVID. How many died? How many died? Let's put all the numbers together and that is your ladybug. Well, here's the thing. I'll tell you what's crazy about this goddamn country. It was pretty clear that COVID came from a lab and not from a wet market. And anybody who suggested that it came from a lab instead of a wet market was pilloried and destroyed in this country. Now that is the most insane thing in the world because because China I mean you have to kind of think about it China unleashes this virus on the world and the United States is you …”
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In this segment, the host hilariously connects the COVID lab leak theory to a humorous metaphor about ladybugs, while passionately critiquing the media's response. The outrageous claim that more Americans died from fentanyl than in major wars adds a shocking twist that keeps listeners engaged and laughing.
“… he's really active. Yeah. Like, there's this thing. It's weird. it's funny. You know what? I'm going to fatten up my kid. As an experiment? No. This will work. This is science just like showing them my genitalia at three and a half. You're frightening Dana and also me. Also I have a large microphone. I'll tell you the science behind the genitalia. It dawned on me at a certain point when every guy I knew at a certain point would go, god damn my dad's got a huge cock and I got nothing between my legs. What's going on? And it was this thing where it's like, wait a minute, everyone's dad can't have …”
“… ass, you know. And his weight's good. He's in good shape. Yeah, he looks great. Yeah. He's one of those guys who went, like, I was fat. I'm not going back. And then he got into, like, I don't know, free climbing and stuff like that, right? Yeah, he's really active. Yeah. Like, there's this thing. It's weird. it's funny. You know what? I'm going to fatten up my kid. As an experiment? No. This will work. This is science just like showing them my genitalia at three and a half. You're frightening Dana and also me. Also I have a large microphone. I'll tell you the science behind the genitalia. It dawned on me at a certain point when every guy I knew at a certain point would go, god damn my dad's got a huge cock and I got nothing between my legs. What's going on? And it was this thing where it's like, wait a minute, everyone's dad can't have a huge penis. And then these guys would go, oh yeah. When I was a kid, I caught a glimpse of my dad coming out of the shower and I fucking hung like a black rhino. And then I'd go, wait a minute. And then I realized, no, no, of course the penis is huge when it's, you know, at the bridge of your nose. Like if it's that height and you're that big, …”
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In this hilarious segment, the hosts dive into the absurd idea of introducing kids to their dad's anatomy as a bizarre form of parenting. The punchline? It's all about planting the seed of confidence, even if it sounds completely outrageous. The conversation takes wild turns, discussing everything from childhood perceptions to the 'fire in the belly' of fat kids versus jocks.
“… I never really used it because if I was drinking, I would never. I'm kind of paranoid in that way because there's that story. I wonder if this will make sense. I tried to do a joke about why are we okay with sexual assault if it's in prison. I've never done this joke because it's just too touchy but I'm like, you know, you go, don't drop the soap don't drop the soap, why are we making light of like one of the worst things that can happen to you but if it happens there, and I was like, look we have a legal system if you think being sexually assaulted should be part of the sentencing make it …”
“… Yes. A fellow like you could drink three beers and drive. When I was a big drinker, I used to have a breathalyzer in my car. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a sign. Was it accurate? That's a sign that maybe you should bump the brakes. Well, it is weird. I never really used it because if I was drinking, I would never. I'm kind of paranoid in that way because there's that story. I wonder if this will make sense. I tried to do a joke about why are we okay with sexual assault if it's in prison. I've never done this joke because it's just too touchy but I'm like, you know, you go, don't drop the soap don't drop the soap, why are we making light of like one of the worst things that can happen to you but if it happens there, and I was like, look we have a legal system if you think being sexually assaulted should be part of the sentencing make it part of the sentencing and then I go, how many for embezzlement? how many for this, how many for that, right? and then I, so, this was way too preachy of a joke, that's why I didn't do it I was like, I heard this story, and this is true This guy had two, three glasses of wine with lunch or dinner. It didn't matter. Actually, it was lunch. He had a …”
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In this hilarious segment, Pete Holmes dives into the absurdity of buzzed versus drunk driving, leading to a wild comparison of prison life and societal views on crime. The punchline about how we casually joke about prison sexual assault while ignoring its severity is both shocking and thought-provoking, making for an unforgettable comedic moment.
“That's progress. Right? Yeah, but people celebrated her because she got canceled for being gay. They canceled her show. Isn't that nuts? Like, you could get a show on the air now if you were playing a gay character. Right. They'd be like, ooh, diversity. Yes. This is, like, going to get greenlit. Yeah. Well, it's funny how that gay used to be the ultimate insult when I was in high school. And now I got friends like, tell them I'm bi. I'm trying to fit in. Right. So it went from an insult to, like, a cool thing. I'm pansexual. That's my …”
“That's progress. Right? Yeah, but people celebrated her because she got canceled for being gay. They canceled her show. Isn't that nuts? Like, you could get a show on the air now if you were playing a gay character. Right. They'd be like, ooh, diversity. Yes. This is, like, going to get greenlit. Yeah. Well, it's funny how that gay used to be the ultimate insult when I was in high school. And now I got friends like, tell them I'm bi. I'm trying to fit in. Right. So it went from an insult to, like, a cool thing. I'm pansexual. That's my favorite. Yes. I'll fuck everybody. That's what it is. I'm attracted to everybody. Like, that's nuts. But in 20 years, you're going to be like, Tom, I'm a child molester. I'm trying to fit in. Like, where does it end? Well, there are academics that are trying to say that these are minor attracted persons. I've heard of maps. That's bananas. Insane. Why …”
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Mark Normand hilariously critiques the cultural shift around sexual orientation, noting how being gay went from an insult to a badge of honor. He takes the absurdity further, joking about future identities, like 'child molester,' and how empathy can sometimes lead to justifying the unjustifiable.
“Or see them again if they've been lucky enough to be pulled before that's about it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show I gonna pull a name now and while we go wrangle our first bucket pool of the night boy do I have a treat for you To get this show jolted from the start I present to you a guy so powerful that he normally the closer He's a Hall of Famer, known for having more sets on this show than any other human in the history, the 13-year history of Kill …”
“Or see them again if they've been lucky enough to be pulled before that's about it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show I gonna pull a name now and while we go wrangle our first bucket pool of the night boy do I have a treat for you To get this show jolted from the start I present to you a guy so powerful that he normally the closer He's a Hall of Famer, known for having more sets on this show than any other human in the history, the 13-year history of Kill Tony. Some people call him the Saratoga Singer. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, the one and only William Montgomery. Tony, I'm about to be fucking threatening violence against Red Band's mom's pussy tonight. This town is not big enough for the both of us, said two clinically obese people. And by the way, Red …”
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Blake Apatow delivers a wild take on immigration, suggesting we build a wall but also a doggy door for gorgeous Latinas. His punchline about the tragic fate of his friend who died from a fake Xanax adds a dark twist, making the audience laugh and gasp simultaneously. The mix of absurdity and personal tragedy keeps listeners engaged and entertained.
“… it was the way he was raised as a puppy. And I'm almost like, clearly James was not the problem. Like, I try to, like, move the food bowl and he will try to bite me. Like, he's crazy. He's very cute. But crazy. It's not his fault. It's not his fault. Right. The owner's fault. Train your dog. Yeah. Anyways, we would have people that would come over, stay in the guest room, stay on our couches. Like, it's a very normal thing. And sometimes I'd be like, all right, well, it's like two. I want to go to bed. Can we, like, turn the music off? And my poor neighbor has so many times been like, hey, …”
“… dog. He's kind of a little jerk, but we would let it go because we're like, that's our friend's dog. Like maybe he'll, and she would always purport it to be like, oh, it's because like maybe like when her and James had him together that maybe like it was the way he was raised as a puppy. And I'm almost like, clearly James was not the problem. Like, I try to, like, move the food bowl and he will try to bite me. Like, he's crazy. He's very cute. But crazy. It's not his fault. It's not his fault. Right. The owner's fault. Train your dog. Yeah. Anyways, we would have people that would come over, stay in the guest room, stay on our couches. Like, it's a very normal thing. And sometimes I'd be like, all right, well, it's like two. I want to go to bed. Can we, like, turn the music off? And my poor neighbor has so many times been like, hey, like, and I'm like, I'm not even down there anymore. I have to like go down there and be the person's like, can you please? And it just was like so annoying. And there were times where I would like go up to bed or whatever because it's late and I have a life and a career and responsibilities. And, you know, 28-year-old failed pageant queens don't. …”
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In a hilarious twist of trust issues, the host reveals a shocking moment from a reality show where her boyfriend was caught getting frisky in a hot tub, leading to a realization that he might have been cheating all along. The absurdity of her friend's poorly trained dog adds a comedic layer, making her reflections on infidelity both funny and relatable.
“… a kid. What trailer was that in on the corner lot? Yeah, one with a flat tire. Here's what happened. I went to the voluntary additional school, and they had a theater program, but they also had a baseball team. And I didn't make the baseball team, and I thought, oh, well, I'll go join the theater club. And then I just got hooked. I was like, I liked doing the plays. And it seems to. Was this school in New York? This school was in northern Massachusetts called Merrimack College. And you could get in if you had a pulse And they let me in My favorite thing in the world is swapping horrible theater …”
“… Yeah. Well, first I went to college, Jason. Where was that? Wait, hang on. What's college? Yeah, it's a school after the studio school. Voluntary additional school? I don't understand it. Voluntary? Yeah, that's the part I couldn't compute when I was a kid. What trailer was that in on the corner lot? Yeah, one with a flat tire. Here's what happened. I went to the voluntary additional school, and they had a theater program, but they also had a baseball team. And I didn't make the baseball team, and I thought, oh, well, I'll go join the theater club. And then I just got hooked. I was like, I liked doing the plays. And it seems to. Was this school in New York? This school was in northern Massachusetts called Merrimack College. And you could get in if you had a pulse And they let me in My favorite thing in the world is swapping horrible theater stories Did I tell you guys about the wheelchair story You got to go. Let's go. Yeah, let's go. Okay, so. Just pull the interview over to the side. Hang on. No, really quick. This is a horror. I was a sophomore in high school, and I was in charge of changing the scenery, right, the battens that would lift the scenery. So in between we had like, we …”
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Charlie shares a hilarious and cringe-worthy theater story about a mishap during a high school play, where he accidentally raised a wheelchair into the air just as the curtain went up. The punchline hits when the actor's first line is about not being able to walk again, making the moment both awkward and uproariously funny.
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